expressing myself...

Today I was surfing the net and tumbled on a link on facebook. I tracked the link and found that it was a link of You Tube having songs of Tina Sani, a Pakistani singer who sung this song in a show called Coke Studio. I can bet you, you won’t find a single such show hosted in Indian television where they really acknowledge the real talent in music, where they really care about the great renditions and give platforms to such divine and soulful singers.
That lady and the band were just awesome. I was awestruck with the live performance and that too of such a hard song to sing.
I just followed the mood and continued searching some more songs from that show with other singers. To my surprise, there were almost all the best singers of our time, from Rahat Fateh Ali Khan to Azmat Ali, to Ammanat Ali to Strings, giving their best performances.
I could see one thing common in all of them. They were all Pakistanis, not because it was a Pakistani show but because if we really count the great singers of our time then they are all Pakistanis. I feel a sense of awe with these people. They are way ahead of us in terms of music. They have soul, a divine touch, peace in their music. They are all best. They would take you to another world where there would be no wars, no terrorism, no borders, and no chaos, nothing at al. What an irony. Country where terrorism evolved, flourished has some divine tools to take you away from that also.
I personally believe that it’s not the common man who goes for these extremist measures to rule the world; it’s the crooked, corrupt politicians who do this.
This country is as same as ours, with lots of people in search of peace, aman, love and care.
These songs and singers are result of their search. These songs make me feel much better. Pakistan is the country that has still led classical music to survive even in this fast going selfish world. Our tradition and culture is procured by Pakistanis and we still feel hatred for them.
If we really see the music they have, we would find that we all are same, we can never separate, and at least our people can never, even if they separate the boundaries.
Who the fuck cares ……………..!

ye sard mausam,
ye tanha dil,
jaane dhoondhe kisko,
na jaane kya hai manzil.

Ye soonapan,
ye dil ki gehraai,
khaali hai ye vadiyan,
sooni si sham aayi.

I was wondering what to do, what is right. There are several people around us who do great, who despite of so many hurdles in their life, so many problems they have faced, so many impediments they cross, are able to do something great, something what bring them praise, popularity, success and accolades from everyone. They are the bravest of the brave, highly determined and very courageous, who even after loosing so much gets much more than what they aspire for.
What is special in those people who grow above their circumstances, fight all their hurdles and come out clean, safe and shining.
Are these people really special or they are just like us, or rather just like me who are a normal person but once decided can go to any extent, but unfortunately never cross that line to fight the whole world and be a winner at the end.
Then suddenly I think about some of the examples in our daily life. Whenever I have any confusion about the life, about what god would have thought about in making such persons, I tend to see around me, I try to visualise the nature and find whether it happens around us also or not. And to my surprise, i found that we have numerous examples of such cases where millions of species fight for something and at last it is the one only who crosses all the barriers and wins the race.
Like, there are millions of sperm cells who once ejaculated run a race of extreme difficulties. There are lots of impediments for them in that path. They dont loose hope. Lots of them die in between, lots of them in beginning, some of them at last and then there is just one, only one single cell which crosses all the hurdles and troubles and reaches its destination. That one single cell is enough to reproduce. That cell is undoubtedly the winner and special as it has overcome all the possibilities of death, but it survived till last. So, should we call it special or determined but normal.
There is another example. Millions of tonnes of wood buried under the earth crust for years form coals. In that millions of tonnes of coal we find some diamonds also. They are rare, made of same element with just different alignment of atoms but are special as after getting pressed to such a high pressure and temperature, these carbon atoms formed a special alignment that formed diamond.
Are they special or just the same but with little success oriented.
In both the cases I used to think that it was not destiny or they were not special but like us but with more determination to acheive what they wanted in their life. Hence, according to me, I could have achieved whatsoever I wanted in my life iff I had ever tried for it from my heart.
Then a friend of mine oncce told me that it is all predecided. I didnt notice what he said at that time. But when I came back and pondered upon his reaction, I found he was correct,.
It is all decided. They are special. they are sent on this earth to perform that job. Its their job, and since people love it, they are given special position.
Similarly we also have been given a certain task. It may not be that much tough, it may not sound that much appealing, but there is a task. We will perform it here, knowingly or unknowingly. We would contribute to this world, desirably or undesirably.
We must not worry about others, never see what they do, never try to get inspired by others, but try to do what we feel we are best in.
We dont know our purpose of life, so we must concentrate on our work.
God told us about his will by giving us some special qualities, that are unique to us only and no one can copy it. Those qualities knock on our door in the form of desires, ambitions, hobbies, interests etc. But in this cruel world we tend to forget our inner calling, which is actually god's calling. We concentrate on worldly things and miss our way.
We would do only those tasks which we love to do. so just dont worry, dont panic hearing about anyone else's success. we are all different with different tasks. Just perform them better.

Tere aane ki jab khabar mehke,
Teri khushboo se saara ghar mehke...

Justajooo jiski thi usko to na paaya humne,
iss bahane se magar dekh li duniya humne,
justajoo...

tujhko ruswa na kiya,
khud hi pashemana hue...
ishq ki rasm ko,
iss tarah nibhaya humne, justajoo...

kab mili thi, kahan bichhadi thi,
humein yaad nahi,
jindagi tujhko to,
bas khwab mein dekha humne, justajoo....

ae ada,
ae ada aur sunayein bhi to kya haal apna,
umra ka lamba safar tai kiya tanha humne,
justajoo...

doston...aaj main pehli baar ghazal gayki mein ek nayi cheez pesh kar raha hun, nazm...

chandi jaisa rang hai tera,
sone jaise baal,
ek tu hi dhanwaan hai gori, baaki sab kangal...

Tujhe bhula diya....;lovely song from "Anjana Anjani". I am listening this song right now.
Today was a really very exciting and unpredictable day. When I wake up early at 7 am, I didn't thought that I would land up in such conditions and enjoy every bit of the moments.
I wake up and as usual managed as fast as I could to reach office on time. I was pretty sure as normally I do that I would have a normal day today also. But, something else was waiting for me and I think thats what people call fate or whatever but it was decided that today i would enjoy with my frnz.
I went to office as usual. I was working that suddenly I got a call from one of my colleague cum friend that someone is in need of blood and we had to go to lucknow to donate the blood. I had never ever donated blood in my life but to my surprise, I was not hesitant or afraid of donation. I just said yes and I with one of my colleague went to make arrangements. In no matter of time , we four donors cum very good frnz were in a car, approaching to lucknow for that buddy. I wouldn't have gone to lucknow for donation if somebody else would have called me but I knew that my frnz are going with me and thats a noble cause so I should not miss this opportunity. We had fun during that journey.
We reached the hospital at 1 pm and donated our blood one by one. There was not a single sign of sigh or fear as everybody of us were very energetic and feeling great.
Three of us had our first time but then also we cherished each other and made it possible to make the task, a fun. I even got unconcious but when I came back it was just another day for me.
We went to a famous lucknow pan shop, enjoyed the flavor of meetha pan. Suddenly someone made a plan of having chicken in our lunch and we went for the famous lucknow shop for that too.
We still had time and decided to go in a lounge. Ultimately we landed in lounge and got drunk upto brink enjoying 3 bacardi pegs, one gin + vodka cocktail, two blackdog regular pegs. Still we needed more but devoid of time we departed from there.
Now I am back home and thinking what was the day it was, listening to the same song,,..tujhe bhula diya.....!!!!

I just now saw "Peepli live". A deep satire on our system which we very proudly call DEMOCRACY. It depicts our current situation just as a neutral journalist whose main aim is to show clearly and unambiguously what is happening in this country.
I was wondering watching that movie that this is the only way we live in the country called India. I was thinking in between that what can I do as an inividual, as a responsible citizen to change the fate of these unpriviledged people. Can I change the system, can I do something to stop these suicides, what government should do to help these people. Just imagine the mindset of a person who can give his life just to get that 1 lakh rupees coming from government after his death. But, is he really that much concerned about his life, about his family. Do we give him that much priviledge to think logically and come to a conclusion, does he know the value of his life, does hi care about his family, or, does he really understand the difference between life and death.
I dont think so. And that is the main thing that has been showed in the film. See nattha. His expressions, body language, everything tells us that he doesn't even know the difference of life and death. Not even his brother, who convinced him to suicide, know this difference. It is just a matter of 2 minutes for them and then Rs 1 lakh with that land.
Why they dont know that difference which we all living in this urban era know very well. We value our lives, our constitution, our justice system value life of every single individual, at least on papers. Then why cant they. Are they from a different planet, not from India or they are not human beings.
Well this is the conclusion. They are not human beings. Human beings are species who can think logically, talk, can fight for their rights, have independence to say what they wish to. I dont think that people from that part of India have these traits. How can we then take them as human beings. Our so called democratic system has left them like animals. If you want to know the psychology of animals then please dont waste your time in analyzing them in forests or any reserves. Come to a Peepli kind of village in India. You would get people having very similar traits of animals who dont even know why they are alive or rather are they alive.
My interpretations from this movie is very long and it would need a whole day or rather a whole life to gather it all together and write.
My conscience is always slapping me, asking me what am I doing, can I do something.
But just after 1 or 2 days, I also forget the whole thing, live my life in my comfort zone and when again such type of movies come, I watch them, feel raped and write something or discuss with my friends about the current situation in India and forget till next comes.
This is a whole vicious cycle that I follow everyday and this is what most of us do. We all are same, we all are responsible for this pathetic condition of those farmers who are dying daily. We are equally responsible along with the government, selfish political parties, much hyped media and our system.
I intend to think that may be that director is also equally responsible with us. She made this movie not for those Peepli people or to really raise an issue and come to a result. She was too interested in her creative interests, money and obviously publicity. She definitely raised a question in our psyche but what after that. Is her work ends here. I personally think that after making this movie she had a grand power to really fight for those farmers. Everybody would have listened to her, would have idolized her, followed her. Government would have taken the issue in consideration but what she did. Now after 1 month of release of this movie, she is out of the celluloid. But again, she cant be blamed by those who themselves are not willing to fight. I am no one.

Is everyone on this earth mean, selfish. Everyone, including your relatives, your family members, your mother father, the one you love, your friends whom you think are always with you.You know their importance in your life, you love them and thus take our time from might be your most important tasks. You share those moments, feeling elated and thinking that they are the most precious for you and you too are precious for them. Sometimes you even forget your goal, your ambitions, your destination to achieve in life and devout that time with your loved ones. You care for their schedules without thinking once yours. When they are unhappy, sad and need help and emotional support, you leave everything behind and talk to them, console them, giggle them even when you are feeling sad.

They are the ones who come out first against you when you are defeated in battle of your life, when you have failed to accomplish your dreams, your goals. They are the ones who blame you to not to utilize that moments which you had shared with them.
They tell you that it is totally your fault. You were not serious enough to realize your dreams. You were the one who wasted your time chatting with them.
They start telling you what is right and wrong for you.
At that time, they are unable to see why you left your endeavor to make them feel happy.
They forget those tiny small little moments when they needed you and you, without thinking about your preparation, were with them. They cannot relate it with your success or failure.
What they care about is the end result, which is your failure.
And the only reason you failed was that you were not at all serious with your career, your dreams.

So,what should I do? What should I call them? What should I care about?
Does it matter if I dont participate in their sorrow, in their happy moments. Would I be called selfish, or mean or what.
Should I start ignoring their feelings, their problems and focus on what I aspire to be. Would then they call me "serious".
But question is not this. Can I do this or am I really "serious" about my career at all, as per they say. If this is what seriousness is all about then I can surely say that I am not serious about myself and now I have to stop and think about myself a little.

Everyone around you is like this only.
Its all about the choice. Either your loved ones or your career. If you want to excel in your career then dont give a damn about your loved one's feelings and problems. Just be selfish. Care about your career your dreams because after sometimes when you win the race, accomplish your goals, they will be happy to associate themselves with you forgetting that you were not with them at the time they were in problems or needed any care. Because they are themselves like this. Bloody selfish.
But when you fail, then no matter how much love you poured upon them, you are bloody looser. They will tell you thousands of reasons for your failure. They will curse you.

Its high time when I have to choose among my options.
I am confused. My career, my loved ones, both are equally important for me.
If I choose my career, they will say that I dont care of them. If I choose them then again they will say that I dont care my future and hence them.
In both cases I am the fucking looser.

So in such circumstances what should I do.
Be selfish like them....!

This sunday I somehow went to see "Aisha". A fooltush bakwaas movie with no touch of reality. It is just a play to awe the middle class indians who dream to live such fantasy lives and to satisfy ego of those who live that life.
Not at all a movie for real indians.
But nowadays there has been a trend to insert a song from a new artist and that too totally on acoustic guitar. This is the song I really loved to listen and I listened it for more than 20 times after coming back from the movie.
It goes like this:

Shaam thi koi, jaise hai nadi,
lehar lehar jaise beh rahi hai,
koi ankahi, koi ansuni,
baat dheeme dheeme keh rahi hai,
kahi na kahin, jaagi hui hai koi aarzu,
kahi na kahin, khoye hue se hain main aur tu,

ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain khamosh dono,
ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain madhosh dono,

jo gumsum gumsum hain ye fizayein,
jo kehti sunti hain ye nigahein,

suhani suhani hai ye kahani,
jo khamoshi sunati hai,
jise tune chaha, hoga woh tera,
mujhe woh ye batati hain,
main magan hun, par ye na jaanu,
kab aane wala hai woh pal,
haule haule, dheere dheere,
khilega phir kahin kaval,

ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain khamosh dono,
ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain madhosh dono,

jo gumsum gumsum hain ye fizayein,
jo kehti sunti hain ye nigahein,

ye kaisa samay hai, ye kaisa samaa hai,
ke sham hai pighal rahi,
ye sab kuchh haseen hai, sab kuchh jawaan hai,
hai zindagi machal rahi,
jagmagati, jhilmilati,
palak palak pe khwab hai,
ye hawayein gungunayein,
jo geet lajawaab hai....

ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain khamosh dono,
ke zum zum zum tara...tara...hain madhosh dono,

jo gumsum gumsum hain ye fizayein,
jo kehti sunti hain ye nigahein..........

I dont know why i intend to write something on this blog when i am drunk, but this is the truth...yup ! I am drunk !!

Well, I was just watching a porn clip after 2 hrs of finding myself in alcohol. I dont want to interpret that I am a freaking porn lover but its just happens sometimes when I am drunk or out of my control. It feels cool to ejaculate my pity, my frustrations in the name of being drunk.

After my session, I was wondering why these gals do these things. I am always in this dilemma that why do these indian gals choose to get fucked by some freaking bastards who dont even value their virginity and their love, their respect in society. All they do is fuck them and make video clips circulating around the country.

I never had answer to this question, but this time I got stuck in this thought.
I used to think that these type of gals are themselves wanting their boyfrns to do all this to them. Hence they are too freaking bastards with no respect for themselves and all they want is sex.
This time, I stopped in between. Logically, I dont think any gal would want to have her clips on internet and cds watched by all. Although, they knew that their clip is being taken by their respective so called bastard boyfrnz but they would be having so much faith in them that they dont even doubt their credibility.
These gals are actually deeply madly in love with their boy frnds. Even if they are not then they really want to enjoy sex as we do. They are just like ourselves. Even they have this liberty to loose their virginity before marriage. Why should they be deprived of sex when we cant.

So they are experiencing a great pleasure with someone they feel would live with them ever after, or at least they pretend to feel that.
But in reality, that fucking person is just using the gal, for his own selfish satisfaction and showing their frnz that he can also have fun with such a gal.

Gals, as I know, are like small baby, very soft, very subtle, very complex.
Even they dont know themselves clearly. You just have to show them beautiful, ambitious dreams about their future with you and believe me they are with you. They can blindly belive you.
They do all those acts just because they love you and believe that you also love them.
I came to this conclusion because a gal getting fucked by a guy wont like to have any relationship with any other guy. They are faithful to that guy. You wont come in between them easily.

They need security, love, respect. If you give them, you are the man.

Love them, have sessions with them, but dont publicize them on internet.
You are basically killing someone and killing them everyday every moment by showing some of your intimate scenes to others. This is only what they have.
Love them, cherish their vag.

Ha...loving to write something that I aspire, respire and transpire.

Today, frankly speaking I am drunk but just a few pegs. I love drinking occasionally and feeling the breeze all over my body.
I wonder why drinking makes you feel eternal, lovely, refreshing, and at the moment.
Drink but drink in control manner, I bet you would feel the moment, you would feel what you want to feel, you would forget all your past and future and concentrate on present, the moment. You can easily find solution of any problem.
I love writing and aspire to be a good prolific writer someday. I dont know whether that day will come in my life or not but I dream.
I love urdu language, its very respectable language and once in a lifetime I will definitely learn it and use it.
I wanna write, I wanna be a photographer, I wanna be a musician, I wanna be a poet. I wanna live this life to fullest, wanna dream, wanna fulfil my dreams, wanna achieve my
goals, wanna help poor to raise their living, wanna teach underprivileged children, make them stand in mainstream.
Really, many things to do before I die.

Today, while drinking, me and my frnd were listening to some great gazals of lifetime by some eminent artists like Jagjit Singh, Ghulam Ali, Asha bhosle and Bhupendra.

How deep their meanings are. How can a person can go so deep.
I was keep on thinking but found no answer. I just loved the way they wrote and sang.

I dont wanna be a chemical engineer or a manager or anything at corporate ladder.
I just wanna be myself, what i am. i wanna live my life on my own terms, wannna do whatever i wish to do, wanna life of my own.
I wanted to fall in love, I fell; I wanted to have break up and feel the pain that it carries, I had; I wanted rebirth of my love, I had; pain was very harsh and mean.
Now, I want every colors of this life, from happyness to sadness to pain to anguish to everything. Just dieing to taste the success, want it very passionately....hoping for best.

There is a short love story which depicts life of ours in every manner.

That guy was in deep love with the girl and the girl also loved him alot, may be more than he did. They never knew that one day they will love each other so much that they wont care about everything and just love. That is what going with them. They cared about each other, they worried for each other, they wanted to be with each other all the time. However, they walked, talked and met for a few times only but they chatted on phone for hours.
They were far away from each other but then also the love was so strong that they had a very good understanding with each other. And, let me tell you, its very important in a relationship, specially distant relationship, to have proper understanding.
They had understanding but there were times when they fought, they fought like animals, they talked all rubbish on phone, switched off their mobile, but next day everything was as usual. They never discussed that problem again and lived happily.

They had similar fights again n again but no one bothered to discuss and solve or understand each others point of view.

Alas, they wanted to get married, wanted to be happy ever after.
See the situation, a couple loves each other very much, they know that there are some misunderstandings but it is just because they dont meet and dont understand their respective jobs, but it will all be ok after marriage. They both admit that they wont be able to live without eachother. They very well know that they will be happy living together. Love will flourish in air and they could do anything being together.
But, do they marry, or rather what stops them to marry and live happily.
After all its their own life and they have to complete their journey, so why should not they choose the option that makes them happy.

But they somehow made each other understand that they wont marry. Why?

Answer is society.
Society comes with its own rules, no matter whether it makes you happy or not.
Rules are rules. follow them or get away from the society.

They didnt marry because their family members didnt want them to marry.
That guy and girl had already decided to not to give pain to their family members for their love.
Couple loved each other, they knew they could lead a prosper life but family wanted the guy to earn more, or wanted girl to be more beautiful or anything.

Hence, they didnt marry.

This Saturday I really had a blast.

We reached Lucknow at about 4:oo pm and after finishing individual work we four Weguys gathered in a bar at around 7:00 pm. That was the time when we really started enjoying.

Firstly, me with my frnz went to a nearby mall and did some shopping ending up buying some t-shirts with witty slogans. Then, we all decided to get drunk upto brink.

We gathered in a bar, awesome place although.

Drinking with frnz has its own benefits. You enjoy each bit of the moment. You open up with them, disccuss some really vague topics but interesting overall.
So, in each sip of drink we had something to discuss. We four were actually rocking the place, enjoyin each sip of our scotch malt whiskey. And whiskey with peanuts, just a perfect combo pack. I would suggest whiskey manufacturers to really consider my advice to sell whiskey with good quality peanuts.

After drinking session we went to a famous chicken shop of lucknow and had an fabulous and delicious dinner. There also we kept on discussing our topics.

Then it was time to leave the place and time was around 11 pm. At that time, it was very difficult to get any conveyance and we decided to walk on the roadside to reach the bus station which was around 7 km from there.

So, imagine, we were walking down the streets, just we four, all shops closed and the road is empty.
That was a real scintillating experience for me. I got chance to do this after very long time so i was enjoyin it.
We were shouting loud and in the control of that whiskey we were dancing in our mind.

At last we came to our room at around 4 am, just wanted to sleep tight and utilized our sunday in that.

So, in my sense a perfect weekend !

Nowadays being a chemical engineer, my lifestyle is more or less surrounded by chemical stuffs. Living a hostel life while working never makes me miss my old college hostel life as most of my hostel frnz are like college frnz. Thus, after coming back from office I feel being in college hostel itself which I think is the best moments of anyone's life.

We almost all the time talk chemically and laugh at our own mischiefs. Life is full of titillating things around.

Sometimes I wonder what will happen when I will leave this company. Being for 2 years and making a sort of bond with the aura of township and people here, I feel bad thinking of going from here. But at the same time, my dreams, my aspirations come my way and ask me to move ahead as no one will wait for you and they might leave you one day.

So, its better you leave...

Recently I came across a very critical article by Santosh Desai in Times of India. I really cant deny that I have become a fanatic fan of his writing.

The topics he choose to write are very general yet very subtle. Very few of writers dare to write such truth about our social and political system.

Concentrating on the article, I fully agreed about the views he gave in that article about how we, the people, get distracted from our main issues and daily problems that we face and instead of discussing how to eradicate them we are busy in discussing some really irrelevant stuffs.

As if this is not enough of irony, we even enjoy participating in these discussions making them breaking or most popular news of the year.

Quoting his sentences, after all Sania is just a tennis player, Cricket is just a game, Amitabh Bachchan is just an actor, My name is Khan is just a movie, Valentine's day is just a day and Marathi is just a language.

Why do we bother about them ?

These issues are just virtually created and hyped by as people like mirch and masala in news. But these issues never cater to our demands of basic necessities.

In public forum, people talk about these issues and waste their precious energy in discussing something that is irrelevant in their day to day life.

Why not media talk about naxalites, about the conditions that compelled them to handle guns and ammunitions. Why they only talk in against of them. Because thats what majority wants to listen.

Nowadays media has become demand-sensitive. What you demand will be supplied to you.

There are very few channels left who really provide right and true news. Others are just making us titillate for a moment.

I got to know about the atrocities done by big steel companies in Dantewada, Orissa and Chhatisgarg areas on the tribal residents from an article by Arundhati Roy, a forerunner activist for the lands of tribal people in these areas that has been taken by some big honchos for there material profits.
Reading that article made me realise why there innocent tribals followed the route of terror.

And to a great surprize, what our government is doing. Declaring war on them.
They actually dont want to solve the problem, they want to curb them.

But we, we are still least bothered about the real things and happily living in our cocoon where everything is virtually formed, fake, unreal.

Most of the criminal cases against big terrorists are pending and one more is going to be remain pended from today but we least care. We love to see saas bahu soaps with lots of freaking breaking news in some selfish pathetic news channels but....

LEAST BOTHERED.

When do you blog ?

Well, I usually blog when I feel lonely, empty in heart, and sad.
In order to chase out this feeling of loneliness, I blog.

Very well said by someone, every human being in this world wants to express himself or herself. It can be achieved either by talking to your closed ones or if you dont have them then by writing. At this moment pen and paper or your computer screen become your closed companions. You write whatever comes in your mind, whatever your heart says.

Now since the blog has come, we make some unknown friends of ours and at the time of solitude, we write believing that they would definitely understand what we feel at that moment.

This thought has actually two dimensions.

Blogging in some or other form make us complete, listens silently to our plight or feeling bout this world but at the same time it inveterate us. It makes us falling for its own self.

As the technology is progressing, it is making us more lonely. Now we just need a computer to chat with our dear ones. We see them virtually and dont feel them but this is all we have with us.

People dont go out for a walk as they are busy making frnz in social networking sites. Nowadays, we are not able to bind our old friends but trying to find newer ones.

With the advancement of technology, we are getting more clumsy, lazy and gauche.
Children dont want to go our to play as they have all types of games on their own PC.

At this time, i accept that it is this computer only that is helping me to forget my plight but at the same time I know that it is making me slave of its own and I dont have any other choice but to accept what comes my way .

Today, I am feeling very lonely, don't know why.
Something is empty in my heart. I sometimes think how quickly our heart respond to our emotions. When we feel alone & sad, our heart pumps blood at slow rate so that we feel something is missing, our blood pressure reduces and thus a feeling of loneliness comes.
When we feel happy, energetic, our heart pumps the blood much fast giving us illusion of energy, rejuvenation, zeal.
Heart understand us. Only he knows what we feel. nobody else do.
Actually, I met her yesterday for less than half an hour but the effect is still there.
I didn't even touched her, but i can still feel the fragrance of her.
I didn't see her for long time, but the image of hers is clear in my mind.
I waited for almost 7 hours to meet her, to have just one glance of her. She was looking pretty, cute as always.I wanted to touch her hand but...somehow managed to stay apart.
Why it happens that when you love someone, you want to feel her, to touch her, to smell her. I wanted to kiss her and take her in my arms but...but...but.
We are no more together. Our relationship has no name, its just ashes left and we don't expect any phoenix to take rebirth from it.
Oh god...this loneliness is killing me, each time, each moment.
I love you Pallavi...
come back, plz come back, i will change....

Confused I am,
Sometimes I find loving you,
Sometimes I hate you,
Sometimes you looks sweet,
Sometimes you make me bleed,
I can't live without you, is all i know...

yesterday, you made me cry,
the next moment you gave me wings to fly,
so uncertain, so unpredictable you are,
I find it hard to be at par,
but baby,
I can't live without you, is all i know...

Back in the memory, we were in another world,
living life with fun & glory,
I meant to you a lot,
you were happy with the things i bought,
my songs were prayers to you,
my dreams were things to do,
never thought you would change like this,
that you make me a drowning fish,
i have to take my decision,
that you are not my possession,
you have gone away from my world,
this i have to accept, like a crippling bird,
but baby,
I can't live without you, is all i know...

I am confused for past 2 weeks upon taking a decision.Although my decision making is very bad and I never able to come on a single point at once , but this time it is taking more than required.
I have two very similar choices and I have to choose best among them but i am not able to decide which one is best for me. I am able to see equally good and bad aspects in both the choices.
So, I decided to think about my past and what wrong decision I have taken till now that affected my life. But then a thought comes to me that someone has said that no decision is wrong, every decision is a right decision but you must have that attitude to bring all the odds in your favor. Then another thought pour in my mind saying that there can be wrong decisions and you have to understand your wrong decisions to take right decision.
Now which argument is true, first one or second one. I am again confusesd.
Being in this situation, when it is very hard to find right choice, I read an article yesterday saying that between options of right and easy decisions always choose right decision because somewhere in old 50ies you will realize worth of that right decision.
But but but...again I dont know which decision is right and which is easy.
Then I thought why not give heart a chance.
It might solve my problem.
To my surprise heart is also confused being in this situation for past 2 weeks.
Still wondering what to do...first one or second one. Both will have some negative impacts.
I think I must ask my parents...they may help me in such situation. No one else can understand better that them.But...

Sometimes, when I am alone, in solitude,some weird thoughts strike my mind.
I think about my relationship. I think about its relevance in my life, I think about whether it was worth taking that relationship to next level. What would have happened if I had married that girl. Would we able to live happier. Was the love that I found in her eyes 3 years back, is still there. Am I changed enough to not to feel that love or is she changed. Is the love left in our relationship enough to live whole life with or am I just pretending to have that love. Is it our love or addiction that driving us on this road of relationship. We don't talk very often these days. We talk only at the time when one of us is feeling lonely and somehow feel talking.
Why do we talk. When nothing is left in our relationship then why the hell we talk.
Why am I addicted talking to her. Why every night i feel lonesome. I was living my life happily before this relationship then why can't I live that life again. Why is it necessary to have her in my life. Why the hell I need her at time of adversities.
I know its just addiction of talking to her.
Loosing her hurts but sometimes I think it to be the best decision at such circumstances.
I had seen changes in her behavior for past few months. There was something that was missing rather there were many gestures that were missing. She was feeling loathsome in my company. Had I become over conscious, or over caring. I tried to answer this question but I was not. I was insecure. That was it. I was insecure. But for what.
The reasons were obvious and i even told her about my problems. She didn't want to understand me. Things were changed completely.
Had we taken this relationship a little further and would have married then situation could have been disastrous.
Relationship needs love but it needs alot more things to let that love alive.
We were just saying that we love each other but never ever pondered that were we.

I never ever in my life thought anything to be impossible. I am still trying to prove few things in my life that people say impossible. In the same way, i never thought it to be impossible to not to solve our personal problems. But that was not the case with her. She took it to be impossible to give me that love that she gave years back.
I was ready to be 3 years back guy. She was not. She has completely different thinking, contrasting my theory bout this life.
She taught me many things about life for which I am thankful to her.
But then also why do i miss her, even after knowing that she can't be mine.

I was listening to some of the best hindi songs that came last year and touched our souls by their inexplicable sweetness and impalpable but tangible truth about life.

I find it really hard to think how these lyricist write such a perfect poetry.
I each of these songs you will find simplicity yet deepness in thought.

Some of them are:

"Pankhon ko" from Rocket Singh
"Iktara" from Wake up sid
"Phir Dekhiye" from Rock-On
"Dil to bachcha hai ji" from Ishkiya
"Ibn-e-batuta" from Ishkiya
"Yeh Zindagi bhi" from Luck by chance
"Sajda" from My name is Khan

Common thing in all these songs is that all of them take you to a ride where you meet yourself, you start talking to yourself. Your unfulfilled ambitions, dreams, all of them come in front of you. These songs boost you to follow your dreams, give yourself a chance, give some more efforts.At the same time, they make you feel light, relaxed.

Life is a collection of small things, experiences, events and thoughts.
We know that in order to live life to its fullest we must live the moment, find happiness in small things, but somehow in this race of life we forget these things and leaving these small things we rush for bigger things resulting in mere frustration and fatigue.
These are the songs that cherish life and bring us again to where we can find true happiness, to the present moment...

Imagine the same world, same people around you, same city, same country, same companies, same colonies, same society, same roads and lanes, and suddenly everybody in this world decides to change his/her job. Everyone decides to do what he likes most, what he is interested in, what he can do best.