expressing myself...

After a long interval of more than 2 years, I am here again, searching what I am and what I want.
This lukka chhuppi with life is ongoing and every now and then bring me back to ground.

Few years back, I decided to do MBA to change my life. I did, completed, got new job, changed job, got another job. And here I am, again in my lows, mesmerizing how life has turned and what is in it in my existence on this planet.

Today I saw this movie, "Tamasha".

Beautiful movie, showing how societal pressure, parents' expectations and trivial responsibilities push someone to choose a path chosen by millions, running in a race which even they are not aware of, living mediocre life with ultimate aim of buying a home and managing your family, and finally dying without knowing what they were actually capable of. This movie shows the person who is entwined in these rituals but clearly knows in his childhood what he is and what he is good at and what he wanted to be. However, due to these pressures, he becomes what other millions are. Live his daily routine boring life. But somewhere deepdown in his heart, that original person is present and he wakes up suddenly to conquer the world.

I was thinking, how it goes in real life.

First part, I agree. Most of the people know in their childhood what they want to become and in what they are good at.
Then comes these doldrums of daily life and we become mature and adult.Responsibilities come. Pressure comes.
Slowly and gradually we start forgetting our original being. If not awaken, this original being dyes gradually. At the age of 25-30, I have forgotten everything of what I was originally. I dont even have that talent in me anymore. I sometimes try to awaken this original being from deep sleep. But, it is long gone. I cant find it. Even if I find it, I dont have energy and courage to wake him up and ask him to fight this world.I have become comfortable in my own virtual, false world, running in rat race.
In movies, it is far easier to show how he wakes up his inner being. How this process works in real life is I want to know.

I have become so much of mediocre that I can believe that such life doesnt exists.

What if tomorrow I wake up and pack my bag and leave to become an auto rickshaw driver.
What if I go to Kasol by hitch hiking and spend some 2 odd months in the place, smoking up joints and wondering about this life.
What if I leave today and become a completely different person.

I have lost my creativity, lost creativity to write, to sing and to compose.

Creativity is like honey. Very less but very precious. It takes years to revive it if lost.

What if tomorrow I resign and start my own company.

God knows what I want to achieve in this life. But one thing is sure, I wont be like this for long. I will change and change to live not to run :)

 

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

She introduced me with this song. I have listened it thousand times. And now, today, I am alone, listening this song and missing her.
She is not with me. She says that we can't make it happen. She sobs, she cry, she misses me but has strong heart to say that she doesn't need me. 

I dont know what to do. She is away. When I think what to do, can I really live without her, I dont have the answer. Every day and moment I am living without her. Most of the time I dont even miss her. I am so busy in my life that my mind is full of other shits. But then also there is a hollowness somewhere inside. Something is not complete inside. I laugh but that doesnt reach my heart. I am ok but not fine. I dont know. 
And then comes time when I feel her need immensely. Something or the other reminds me of her and my heart slows down. I imagine had I been with her at that moment. Had I be able to share the moment, incident with her. Whenever I see something, I start thinking that how her and me can be together and enjoy it. 
I went to pondicherry today. I imagined me with her during the whole journey. I planned how I would take her to pondy on my bike. I planned how I would surprize her. I saw many couples there and imagined us.
Whenever I see a dog, it reminds me of her. I have started loving dogs, and playing with them. It makes me feel as if I am with her. 

But most of the time, it goes like nothing has happened in my life. I dont sit on a place, sobbing, thinking about our old times. It is not like hindi movie where hero starts disliking everything around him and starts mourning. He also sometimes commit suicide. I think my love is not up to that extend. I miss her. I feel incomplete without her but I dont cry.

Dont know what is it. What to do. 

We are perfect together. I love her, she loves me. But even a small blow of wind is enough to ignite fight between us. And that's not a fight, it's a war. We do everything to kill each other and dont stop till one of us is dead. She can take normal thing in a different way and can start fight. Me, instead of making her understand the situation, becomes more frustrated that how a person can think like that and fight for such a small issue, that's most of the time is not even on the level of being called 'issue'. That's how it starts and ends when both of us have killed each other in evey fucking argument.

Are we not compatible. We had seen many dreams together, planned many things and wanted them in our life. Just coz one of them is not ready to compromise or bow a little to cool down the situation or to accept the other one's action or thought, we are not together. May be I can try to cool down, I have changed a lot. I changed my beliefs to accommodate her's. I think I can accept and compromise, but would she. Why always me. Why can't she sometimes bend a little to accommodate me. 

I dont know the answers. May be I am overestimating myself alot and underestimating her. But that is it.
We are not together. We want to be, we will enjoy our happy moments to the extent of ecstasy but a small change in wind and we will kill each other. That's what we are.

I will miss her and keep on calling her. She picks the call and ask me to not to call again. It hurts and i know it would be hurting her also. She has thought a lot and after that she came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be with her. But how can she think like that. If I give thought process a long time, I convince myself that we can come back and there would be a solution for the problem. I always come up with a positive answer to be with each other. When she thinks, she always come up with answer that we should leave. I think this clearly means that she cannot be with me. She knows me. She has taken the decision. 
I should not interrupt now, I guess. 

Hi to me,

What am I doing with myself, with her. I am ruining everything, leaving not a minute hope to go back. This is not what I had dreamt of, or what I wanted with my life. I think being in love I have completely forgotten the meaning of love. Everytime fights, everytime hyper.

She is right. When she met me, one year back, she was a person full of energy, cuteness like a child, beauty and love. I turned her into a mournful person. She lost everything since she met me. She lost her dog, she lost her job, lost her peace of mind, lost her dream of travelling, lost her beautiful writings, poems.
I came in her life and she lost everything that she had. I am not good for her. Since start she told me what she is and what she wanted. I always assured her that I will try to fulfil all her wants and dreams. I failed !
I somehow imprisoned her in my arms giving her hopes of love, care and togetherness. I think I manupulated her in my own ways. I loved her because of what she were. But now she has changed. She has nothing. She don't laugh. I am so bad. I feel weird.

If I knew that she was a different kind of girl that I cant handle then why did I started all this. Why did I shown hopes. Why did I love.

Whenever she had interview, I fought with her. She is stupid. She doesnt understand this world. She had her own world in which she was pretty fine. I introduced her this world and I made her worry about how to survive in this one. Why did I do. She was delicate. She accepted almost all the things I said to her. Those might be my fears but she took it as truth. I transformed her into an afraid girl. I dont know how I did, why I did. I was not meant to handle her but I wanted to and that's why I failed.

I should have left her. I should have been her friend. But I ruined everything. I came close to her. She wants to leave me but after loosing so much she is not able to understand what to do. I fight with her, shout at her when things go hayware.

I have started abusing. Abusing like anything. How can I do that. Why am I doing this with her and with me. Why am I not able to control the situation. Why I cannot make things alright. Why is this that I shout.

I have become a bad person. I made her mad. She lost everything being with me and now she doesnt even have me......

We are not human beings going through spiritual experience,
We are spiritual beings going through human experience !

So here I am again...fucked up ! Its pretty normal in my case. I can't remain non-fucked. Its in my life, my genes. I have to be fucked, sometimes by myself and sometimes by the fucking time.

I had a wonderful job in one of the topmost fortune 500 company. I was enjoying every bit of it. It was a new one so had lots of opportunity to excel and do something better. I was among the most luckiest of the lot to be chosen as a part of that company. A very responsible position, good and challenging work, foreign trip in almost once every 2-3 months, meetings, high profile job, chit chat with big guns. All in my favor.

But how can god be so kind to me. I have to be fucked. That's the whole reason I am on this planet. So he gave me a keeda. Banda was desperate to do MBA. Three years and no good converts and this time its like colleges are calling me to come and join their crap courses. Excited. Thought luck has changed beta. Right now this company, then MBA, then again a damn good company, much better package and life on track.
Excepted the offer, left the company, joined the college.

Welcome to MBA, where nobody does anything but they think that they are changing the world. They do one thing, talk talk n talk. Welcome to the playground where everyone is trying to pull you back and wants to finish the race first but hey they forget the basics of game theory which tells that cooperation is the best policy to achieve the maximum out of any situation.

Better. It took me whole fucking one semester to understand that I am also a part of this ecosystem and cooperation is an outdated noun in this competitive world. You have to kill your friend to survive otherwise he will kill you. Lost my grades. Didn't worry that much. But when I realized that grades can change the game, I joined the race, the rat race, to get grades-by hook or by crook.

Shit happens for some people. For me it never happens, its always there with me, just like the old hutchison dog, wherever you go-we will follow. In a nutshell, this is MBA or in more better words, "nuances of MBA".

I never ever able to handle cash. Money is a big weakness for me. I cant handle it carefully. Loosing money from the day I born. Recently, lost it to a bank which gave me a shitty package. I tried hard to not to take it but then they had much more superior persuading power than mine. That's also a part of MBA to teach you how to make fool of others in the name of customer service.

Summer internship. When i was leaving my previous company, I was thinking that I wont come back to this company. I would probably get much better company and better profile. Lolz...here I am, desperate to get internship in that company...anyhow. Although, missed the chance.
Not a big deal. There are lots of good shitty companies waiting for me to get in.

Summer internship is gonna start in next 4 days. Still in search of a good company. lolz.... Fucked up big time....again ! no need to tell. Sitting on my bed, I am still thinking of that decision that I took just one year back. I lost my high paying job, lost my love, a single chance when I could be with her forever. Things would have been or could have been simpler, cooler, better than this.