Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world
She introduced me with this song. I have listened it thousand times. And now, today, I am alone, listening this song and missing her.
She is not with me. She says that we can't make it happen. She sobs, she cry, she misses me but has strong heart to say that she doesn't need me.
I dont know what to do. She is away. When I think what to do, can I really live without her, I dont have the answer. Every day and moment I am living without her. Most of the time I dont even miss her. I am so busy in my life that my mind is full of other shits. But then also there is a hollowness somewhere inside. Something is not complete inside. I laugh but that doesnt reach my heart. I am ok but not fine. I dont know.
And then comes time when I feel her need immensely. Something or the other reminds me of her and my heart slows down. I imagine had I been with her at that moment. Had I be able to share the moment, incident with her. Whenever I see something, I start thinking that how her and me can be together and enjoy it.
I went to pondicherry today. I imagined me with her during the whole journey. I planned how I would take her to pondy on my bike. I planned how I would surprize her. I saw many couples there and imagined us.
Whenever I see a dog, it reminds me of her. I have started loving dogs, and playing with them. It makes me feel as if I am with her.
But most of the time, it goes like nothing has happened in my life. I dont sit on a place, sobbing, thinking about our old times. It is not like hindi movie where hero starts disliking everything around him and starts mourning. He also sometimes commit suicide. I think my love is not up to that extend. I miss her. I feel incomplete without her but I dont cry.
Dont know what is it. What to do.
We are perfect together. I love her, she loves me. But even a small blow of wind is enough to ignite fight between us. And that's not a fight, it's a war. We do everything to kill each other and dont stop till one of us is dead. She can take normal thing in a different way and can start fight. Me, instead of making her understand the situation, becomes more frustrated that how a person can think like that and fight for such a small issue, that's most of the time is not even on the level of being called 'issue'. That's how it starts and ends when both of us have killed each other in evey fucking argument.
Are we not compatible. We had seen many dreams together, planned many things and wanted them in our life. Just coz one of them is not ready to compromise or bow a little to cool down the situation or to accept the other one's action or thought, we are not together. May be I can try to cool down, I have changed a lot. I changed my beliefs to accommodate her's. I think I can accept and compromise, but would she. Why always me. Why can't she sometimes bend a little to accommodate me.
I dont know the answers. May be I am overestimating myself alot and underestimating her. But that is it.
We are not together. We want to be, we will enjoy our happy moments to the extent of ecstasy but a small change in wind and we will kill each other. That's what we are.
I will miss her and keep on calling her. She picks the call and ask me to not to call again. It hurts and i know it would be hurting her also. She has thought a lot and after that she came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be with her. But how can she think like that. If I give thought process a long time, I convince myself that we can come back and there would be a solution for the problem. I always come up with a positive answer to be with each other. When she thinks, she always come up with answer that we should leave. I think this clearly means that she cannot be with me. She knows me. She has taken the decision.
I should not interrupt now, I guess.
